CD 40

Today is day 40 of my cycle. I have taken 3 pregnancy tests, so I am fairly certain I am not pregnant. (Also: No symptoms)

I have to confess something: my husband doesn't really want another baby. I know he doesn't. When I say we are TTC all I am doing is not taking birth control, and we have sex. That is all. Oh, we did use pre seed one month, but he didn't know what it was for. He just thought it was kinky or something (sorry!). He doesn't really want a baby. I keep track of my cycles, but I don't even know if I'm ovulating. I guess what I'm saying is, I have put zero effort into this babymaking thing, and that makes me wonder how badly I really want a baby?

I will probably go back on the pill after this cycle is over. Honestly, I'm OK with it. I just don't think it was meant to be.

I've come to realize

I am not going to have another baby. No I'm not feeling sorry for myself, or asking you to give me a pep talk. I've just come to realize that this is not going to happen for me. It's not meant to be. We will not be having a baby. I am certain that AF is on her way. I'm not ovulating. I can't put my body through anymore. It is over.

I think I'm OK with that.

Not Pregnant

Aunt Flo showed up early this month. Actually, my cycle was only 24 days! I have no idea what is going on with my body. I think it's all the stress at work. I've been doing the job of two people, and a lot of people depend on me for their jobs (basically the whole company!). Anyway, maybe that had something to do with it. I don't know. Back to the drawing board...

OUCH

So I had some pretty sharp cramps today. I have no idea what that means.

I'm still here

Hubby and I have been humping like rabbits. No, just kidding. Tried to "get it done" every other day for the last 10 days. We went above and beyond that goal. I don't think it's for lack of sperm that we aren't getting pregnant. I think it's the lack of egg. If only I could get my ovary to co-operate with me. Life would be so good. This past weekend wasn't a week we were on vacation like I thought. That is the weekend of the 26th. I am not going to be peeing on any sticks until my period is late. It just makes me crazy. I have hope for about 0.2 seconds until that single line shows up. It just don't make any sense. Testing early isn't going to make me pregnant. That is my husband's job. :)

I'm Not Going To Be A Freak This Time Around

So last time I was a little spastic with the babymaking. I think my poor husband was dried out (if you know what I mean- ew. I know. Sorry). I'm going to take it easy from now on out. I will make a point to keep track of when I ovulate and try to do the deed around that time. Other than that I am going to have fun and whatever happens happens. I can't make myself insane trying to get pregnant. It's just not good for my mental health.

CD 1

Today is CD 1 of a 30 day cycle. That means I should ovulate around the 14th, which is a weekend we will be on vacation. Yay!

I'm Back!

Not gone for long, I'm back.

Got the all clear to start TTC again.

The games will begin in two weeks.

Fingers crossed!

Pause

Our TTC is on pause. I've been really sick and the doctor put me on a steroid which I should not be taking if I'm pregnant. I'm back on the pill for at least a month or two, which kind of sucks, but kind of doesn't. I feel so much better when I'm on the pill. PCOS really screws me up. So anway, TTC is on pause, but I still have the rest of the year to try so I'm not that upset about it. I'll be back in a month or so.

It's not a suprise

I am fine. I did not expect to get pregnant on the first try. I'm going to use OPKs this cycle to see if I am even ovulating. I'm not sure I am. I'm heavier than I should be, and I think loosing some weight will help, so I'm going to work on that also. We are only going to try until the end of the year. If it doesn't happen by then, I won't be having another baby. My husband will probably get a vasectomy. Truth be told I would be happy if we adopted. I would love to adopt, but with my husband's age I'm not sure we are the greatest candidates for adoption. We also don't have the time to wait for years for a baby. There is also the money factor, and let's face it- we don't have $10,000 for an adoption. I think our only option for another baby is to make it the old fashion way. If it doesn't happen that is something I will just have to come to terms with. For now, I'm just keeping a positive attitude.

All is well

Yes, I couldn't sleep and got up at 1 am to waste a pee stick. Obviously it was negative. AF isn't due until tomrrow, but even if she doesn't show as scheduled I doubt I am pregnant. I have zero symptoms and I am a very early sore-boobs-and-morning-sickness girl. That is how I knew I was pregnant before. Morning sickness. So far: None.

I have a feeling that AF will show up while I'm all dressed up at my friend's wedding this weekend. Of course.

Negative

I AM DOUBTFUL

I am doubtful that I am pregnant. There I said it. I have been batteling a vicious cold the past few days so I couldn't tell you what I'm feeling and why. I have blue veins on my ta-tas, but I couldn't tell you if that is from pregnancy or because my girls are all plumped up from PMS. Also, like my friend Aunt Becky mentioned, I am blessed with darkening of the nipples during pregnancy. You'll be happy to know my nipples are still a lucious pink. Leading me to believe I am not with child. All I can do is wait and see. Aunt Flo is due on Friday, and I think I will pee on a stick with my first morning pee tomorrow. You will be the first to know. Seriously. I'll probably post it on here before I even tell my husband.

NOPE

I'm fairly certain that I am not pregnant. I'd actually put money on it. I have raging PMS right now. My boobs hurt and they have blue veins, but I think that is because off the pill my boobs tend to swell up when I have PMS. I'm hungry, and when I'm pregnant I'm not hungry (at least not in the first trimester). Also no morning sickness, which is a given for me.

Damn non ovulating ovaries!

PMS?

My boobs hurt like hell, I'm bloated, and I'm hungry.

I don't know if that's pregnancy or PMS. I can't tell. All I know is that I'm feeling very PMSy, and I'm beginning to think I've fooled myself into believing that I can actually get pregnant. Especially on the first try? Doubtful.

Blue Boobs...

I HAZ THEM! ;)

Don't know what that means, but I am hopeful!

Blue Boobs?

Last time I was pregnant I didn't find out for a while. I had what I thought was my period at the regular time. I had no idea I was pregnant. I felt sick for days, I was tired. I kept thinking "This flu is killing me!" It wasn't until I went Christmas shopping with my son. We stopped to eat, and as soon as I ate I had to go home. I felt so sick I thought I was going to throw up right in the restaurant. I went home and immediatly feel asleep. I woke up around 10 at night! I laid in bed, and thought to myself "The last time I felt like this I was pregnant". Then a light bulb went off! I dug out my old pregnancy book, and took a look. One of the signs listed was blue veins on your boobs. I looked into the mirror, and about shit my pants! I had the bluest boobs I've ever seen! I knew then and there that I was pregnant. I even ran to the store at 11 at night to get a test. Took it in the store bathroom, and couldn't belive it. First positive pee stick I've ever had. So this time around I'm watching my boobies like they are going out of style. I keep checking them to see if they turned blue yet.

I think I'm loosing my mind.

22

22- TWENTY TWO

That is the number of times my husband and I have had sex in the last TWO WEEKS! I've been keeping track on Fertility Friend. I think we are over doing it.

Must sleep now. Very tired.

S-E-X

So, let's talk about sex shall we. Or, as the baby making circles like to call it BD (for baby-dancing! Who thought this up?). I am now 30ish, and have been married for quite some time. We've enjoyed what I would consider a pretty active sex life. But it's always been for pure enjoyment. There is something about being infertile that is... freeing? Yes, freeing. There is something liberating about having sex for the pure enjoyment of being with your husband, and with not having to worry about contraception or pregnancy. It's a whole different game. My husband and I spent several years (OK 4!) thinking we couldn't make babies. We didn't worry about contraception or ovulation. We did it when we wanted, where we wanted and didn't think twice about it. Then we were surprised with a baby and everything changed. I was on cervical rest, so we couldn't have sex for several months, and truthfully it was something I really missed. I'm no vixen, but I do enjoy being with my husband. Now that we are on this path to making a baby, I am starting to miss us. When you are trying to get pregnant it becomes more mechanical and the "magic" is gone. You start to feel like it's a chore that has to be completed on the scheduled dates. I'm really trying to not get consumed by TTC, because I know plenty of women who do. Running to the bathroom constantly to see if your starting your period. Peeing on sticks everyday for 10 days. Analyzing every twinge and cramp. I don't want to be that girl. That is why I don't see us trying for very long. I can't let myself go to a place where I am consumed by getting pregnant. Because if it doesn't happen- and it's a real possibility that it won't- I don't know how I would recover from it. So for now, I'm going to kick up my knickers and enjoy baby dancing with my man. :)

The bright side

My mom has been laid off from her job of 15 years. While she's telling me all I can think about is, "Thank the Lord! She can be my babysitter when the baby comes!"

Lemonade anyone?