All is well

Yes, I couldn't sleep and got up at 1 am to waste a pee stick. Obviously it was negative. AF isn't due until tomrrow, but even if she doesn't show as scheduled I doubt I am pregnant. I have zero symptoms and I am a very early sore-boobs-and-morning-sickness girl. That is how I knew I was pregnant before. Morning sickness. So far: None.

I have a feeling that AF will show up while I'm all dressed up at my friend's wedding this weekend. Of course.

Negative

I AM DOUBTFUL

I am doubtful that I am pregnant. There I said it. I have been batteling a vicious cold the past few days so I couldn't tell you what I'm feeling and why. I have blue veins on my ta-tas, but I couldn't tell you if that is from pregnancy or because my girls are all plumped up from PMS. Also, like my friend Aunt Becky mentioned, I am blessed with darkening of the nipples during pregnancy. You'll be happy to know my nipples are still a lucious pink. Leading me to believe I am not with child. All I can do is wait and see. Aunt Flo is due on Friday, and I think I will pee on a stick with my first morning pee tomorrow. You will be the first to know. Seriously. I'll probably post it on here before I even tell my husband.

NOPE

I'm fairly certain that I am not pregnant. I'd actually put money on it. I have raging PMS right now. My boobs hurt and they have blue veins, but I think that is because off the pill my boobs tend to swell up when I have PMS. I'm hungry, and when I'm pregnant I'm not hungry (at least not in the first trimester). Also no morning sickness, which is a given for me.

Damn non ovulating ovaries!

PMS?

My boobs hurt like hell, I'm bloated, and I'm hungry.

I don't know if that's pregnancy or PMS. I can't tell. All I know is that I'm feeling very PMSy, and I'm beginning to think I've fooled myself into believing that I can actually get pregnant. Especially on the first try? Doubtful.

Blue Boobs...

I HAZ THEM! ;)

Don't know what that means, but I am hopeful!

Blue Boobs?

Last time I was pregnant I didn't find out for a while. I had what I thought was my period at the regular time. I had no idea I was pregnant. I felt sick for days, I was tired. I kept thinking "This flu is killing me!" It wasn't until I went Christmas shopping with my son. We stopped to eat, and as soon as I ate I had to go home. I felt so sick I thought I was going to throw up right in the restaurant. I went home and immediatly feel asleep. I woke up around 10 at night! I laid in bed, and thought to myself "The last time I felt like this I was pregnant". Then a light bulb went off! I dug out my old pregnancy book, and took a look. One of the signs listed was blue veins on your boobs. I looked into the mirror, and about shit my pants! I had the bluest boobs I've ever seen! I knew then and there that I was pregnant. I even ran to the store at 11 at night to get a test. Took it in the store bathroom, and couldn't belive it. First positive pee stick I've ever had. So this time around I'm watching my boobies like they are going out of style. I keep checking them to see if they turned blue yet.

I think I'm loosing my mind.

22

22- TWENTY TWO

That is the number of times my husband and I have had sex in the last TWO WEEKS! I've been keeping track on Fertility Friend. I think we are over doing it.

Must sleep now. Very tired.

S-E-X

So, let's talk about sex shall we. Or, as the baby making circles like to call it BD (for baby-dancing! Who thought this up?). I am now 30ish, and have been married for quite some time. We've enjoyed what I would consider a pretty active sex life. But it's always been for pure enjoyment. There is something about being infertile that is... freeing? Yes, freeing. There is something liberating about having sex for the pure enjoyment of being with your husband, and with not having to worry about contraception or pregnancy. It's a whole different game. My husband and I spent several years (OK 4!) thinking we couldn't make babies. We didn't worry about contraception or ovulation. We did it when we wanted, where we wanted and didn't think twice about it. Then we were surprised with a baby and everything changed. I was on cervical rest, so we couldn't have sex for several months, and truthfully it was something I really missed. I'm no vixen, but I do enjoy being with my husband. Now that we are on this path to making a baby, I am starting to miss us. When you are trying to get pregnant it becomes more mechanical and the "magic" is gone. You start to feel like it's a chore that has to be completed on the scheduled dates. I'm really trying to not get consumed by TTC, because I know plenty of women who do. Running to the bathroom constantly to see if your starting your period. Peeing on sticks everyday for 10 days. Analyzing every twinge and cramp. I don't want to be that girl. That is why I don't see us trying for very long. I can't let myself go to a place where I am consumed by getting pregnant. Because if it doesn't happen- and it's a real possibility that it won't- I don't know how I would recover from it. So for now, I'm going to kick up my knickers and enjoy baby dancing with my man. :)

The bright side

My mom has been laid off from her job of 15 years. While she's telling me all I can think about is, "Thank the Lord! She can be my babysitter when the baby comes!"

Lemonade anyone?

Easter Plans

So my brother's sister-in-law was pregnant the same time I was. She had a healthy (live!) baby- I did not. It has not been easy for me to be around this baby. In all truth, it has been painful. I've told that to my sister-in-law and she has been more than understanding. That is why it's so surprising when they invited HER family to OUR Easter Dinner! Hello! Why would you invite this child to a family gathering when you KNOW it's painful for me? I don't want to be treated with kid gloves, but my child died around Easter last year, and this Easter is going to suck ass for me, so why can't you have a little compassion and understanding! Is that too much to ask?

I should probably clarify by telling you that she invited her family to my parents house. Her entire family- mom, dad, sister& boyfriend, brother, baby. All of them. She did this knowing that the baby is a touchy subject for me. That is why I'm so upset. It's like she totally ignored what I shared with her about the babe bothering me. She wants us all to be together. It is going to make my Easter seriously shitty, and Easter is going to be shitty enough for me because I keep thinking about last year. UG! Will this ever end? Answer= No.

I got caught!

Today I was shopping for baby clothes (great sales again!) and I ran into somone I know! Eeek! I was holding newborn girl clothes in my hand!!!! I made up an excuse about a babyshower (there is one but I'm so not going!). I caught her looking at my purchases out of the corner of her eye! I really hope she doesn't put two and two together. The people in my life are not in favor of our trying for another baby. They don't think it's worth the risk.

I'm loosing a little of my hope. I think all of the loss in babyland has gotten to me. I keep hearing terrible stories, and more and more moms are joining us. I just am getting very nervous about it... But, I'm keeping the faith and praying that this month is out month.

Wouldn't it be amazing if we got pregnant on the first try?

I Don't Think I Can Do This

I'm thinking that if it doesn't happen this month it's not going to happen for us. I am a nervous wreck thinking about all the things that can go wrong. I am literally freaking out thinking about it. I don't know that I can do this month after month. I am a nervous wreck. I can't sleep. I hear horror stories (like this) and I just can't help but be afraid. I don't think I can do this. I think I'm loosing my nerve.

Scared

Last night I could not sleep. I kept thinking over and over again about being pregnant. What if something goes wrong? What if there is something wrong with the baby? What if the baby doesn't make it, again? I can not put my family through that. I almost had a panic attack thinking about how many things could go wrong. Now, I am afraid.

But then I pictured my husband and I in the operating room and the doctor showing us our new baby and I could not imagine being happier.

Please God, please let this happen for us.

I did the math

Do I did the math today, and since I would be scheduled for a c-section early, if I got pregnant this month I would have my baby by Christmas!!!! I so want this month to be THE month. The thought of having a baby for Christmas is almost too much for my heart to take! I was so excited when I realized that. Makes me all squishy inside...

On another happy note, today I was at W-mart and I found myself browsing the baby things. Looking at all the adorable baby furniture and accessories. I did not feel like crying. I wasn't sad at all. Instead I was excited because I was making a mental shopping list. This is the first time that I have allowed myself to dream of having another baby. This is the first time that I have allowed myself to go there, and it is fantastic. I was in denial about how much I wanted this. Totally in denial. If this does not happen for us, I don't think I realized how crushed I will be.

I couldn't help myself

I couldn't help myself. I had to buy more baby things today while I was shopping. They were having great sales, and I got even got some things for 99 cents! I couldn't resist. I hope I am not setting myself up for heartache. After my babygirl was born last year, I took almost everything I bought for her back to the store or gave it away. I didn't think we would be doing this again, and I just wanted to get it over with. I kept one outfit of hers, and if we are blessed with another baby I am going to bring her home in that outfit. Notice I keep saying her. For some reason I'm certain that our baby will be a girl. I don't know why. I just know.

This is really happening!

Yikes! This is really happening isn't it? I'm really going to try to make a baby! I didn't think I'd ever say type those words again. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. I ordered some preseed yesterday. My husband has no idea what that is, and I'm not going to fill him it. It would make him all nervous and crazy! I'm just going to keep that little nugget to myself and let him think it's for "having fun"! LOL

I'm not going to lie, I wonder how this is going to feel if it doesn't happen, but I'm surprisingly optimistic. We are not going to try forever. My hubby is getting up there in age and doesn't want to be 70 when our baby graduates. I also lost a fallopian tube during my surgery, so right off the bat our chances are cut in half. I am a very religious person and I truely believe that if we were meant to have a baby, we will have one. If we weren't, we won't. I'm fully prepared to accept either.

But I can't stop myself from thinking, this time next year I'll have a new baby.

Positive Thoughts

Yesterday I was thinking about next year. One year from that date. I allowed myself to think, "This time next year I will have a baby". That might not seem like a big deal, but for someone who's lost a baby- it's huge! I have not allowed myself to think that before. I strongly believe in the power of our words. I know that might sound all new age and crazy, but I really do believe that what we say and think has an effect on our psyche. I am not going to allow myself to say "if" I have a baby, I'm going to say "WHEN".

Today I went shopping, and I found myself looking a newborn clothes. I even bought two newborn outfits. I can't believe I did that. I'm not telling anyone! It was very emotional being in that baby store. I didn't think it would be that hard, but it was hard. It was also kind of freeing. I left there feeling like I had conquered something.

Hello, again!

If you are reading this chances are you already know our story. I have another blog that is all about the journey back after my baby girl was stillborn. After much thought, I've decided to TTC again. I don't know how it's going to work out, but I am very hopeful I will be blessed with a pregnancy, and that it will result in a living, breathing baby and I will come out OK. I'm not telling my family and friends because I don't want them to freak out. But, I am telling you, my bloggy friends (who I love)! You've been there for the whole journey so far, I want you to be part of this also. Yesterday was the first day of our journey. Here goes nothing...